Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm bleeding and have questions
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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