she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
