Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
