It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
