Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
