I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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