it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
