I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
