i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
