do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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