never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
