It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
