is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
