Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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