I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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