Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
