From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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