I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
