Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
