Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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