The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
