genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
