He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
