We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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