Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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