I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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