this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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