You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
