please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
