I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
