Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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