Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
