i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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