bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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