My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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