I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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