i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
