it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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