I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
