watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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