so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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