fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
