Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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