Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
