No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
