Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
