I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
