at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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