you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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