3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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