The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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