I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I stole a fireplace last night.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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