he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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