You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
