Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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