you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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