Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
